How to toy with your position in the hierarchy of the universe

It was a standoff in the park. The man stood firm, arms crossed, waiting.  His dog sat ten feet away with an orange, freshly fetched Frisbee clamped tight in his jaws. Neither would budge, each waiting for the other to  submit and take that first step forward.

I put my stroll on hold to watch what would happen next. After an incredibly long and awkward ten seconds, the dog made the first move. He crossed the grass and dropped the Frisbee at his master’s feet, then sat back on his haunches and thumped his tail on the ground with what I took to be obvious relief. With his position in the universe reaffirmed, the dog was free to once again relax into his role of loved and dutiful pet.

Here’s a game I play to toy with my own position in the hierarchy of the universe…

As a woman, not to mention a blonde (which has its advantages, don’t get me wrong), I’ve noticed that certain middle aged men, especially those wearing expensive suits, expect me to give them right of way when we’re walking towards each other on the same track lane of sidewalk or hallway. A few years ago I realized I was, unconsciously, nearly always shifting, albeit subtley, to give them room.

Well, not any more. I walk straight and strong without giving an inch. What happens? Most of the time they realize it’s not worth playing chicken with a girl whose gait suddenly has more in common with John Cena than Audry Hepburn. When they do take the risk, and it’s always the ones who (you just know) trim their nose hair at least twice a week, what happens next is inevitable (and oh so gratifying). I lower my shoulder, in classic football style, and drive right through. I never look back; that would imply I was concerned, or even (the horror!),  somewhat apologetic.

I’m fully aware that it’s only a matter of time before this ‘inocent’ game blows up in my face. Is it worth it? Yes! I do it out of solemn responsibility to my sex, to let the world know that times have changed and the old hierarchy is dead. Of course, it’s a whole lot of fun too~wink. Now if only there was a way to break my husband’s monopoly over the remote control. All I can say is never underestimate the power of a healthy bodycheck.

How to capture a personality in a portrait

The two portraits below are of the same subject. The first uses setting, composition, and lighting to convey the subject’s personality. She is a quirky artistic type with hippie, as opposed to hipster, sensibilities and a great, snarky sense of humor. Photography is an excellent medium for portraiture because the subject can be directly involved in communicating how she/he sees herself/himself to the world. However, as in personality testing, this can also be a limitation. Honesty can easily become clouded by preconception.

The second portrait is a drawing of the same subject dancing. It was executed quickly, solely from memory. Both she and I were startled by the resulting resemblance. “Creepy,” she called it. And yes, the attitude and posture was eerily spot on. It’s a big risk to allow yourself to be seen through someone else’s eyes, and the results may surprise you, creepy or not. I invite you to try this exercise with someone you know. In our age of careful personal branding, there is an urgent need for the honesty of a pen, some colouring pencils, and a personal connection only art can prove.

Sometimes a picture can say a thousand words...

...and sometimes a drawing can say so many more

How to air-dry your clothes faster with this simple hanger trick

All it takes are two metal hangers and a twist of tape!

It was an emergency laundry situation. I had just gotten to work and realized I’d packed a less-than-spotless shirt for an evening event (50s party – long story). Washing it in the bathroom sink was no problem, but I needed a way to dry it in record time. Let’s cut to the physics…

More air circulation = Faster water evaporation

To create an air pocket between opposing layers of fabric, I bent two hangers (see photo) so that the horizontal hook of one hanger latched into the straight neck of the other. The resulting design was stabilized by the two lower V-shaped bends, which were secured with a twist of scotch tape into a bracing X shape. The new form successfully let air circulate freely throughout the garment, which was perfectly dry by my afternoon break. For some inexplicable reason, none of my co-workers seemed overly impressed. Sometimes, dear readers, there are things worth getting called “weird” for. And for this minstrel designer, being clean and dry is at the top of that list!

Side view

Top view

How to bring a sense of awe into your office (with this DIY meditation retreat)

Bring the wonder of Stonehenge to your job with ‘Officehenge’!

Stack your empty Xerox boxes to match the Stonehenge diagram.

Perfect for when you're having a busy day at work...

...and you need to re-center yourself.

But if you really want a Stonehenge that’ll
make all your worries disappear… CLICK HERE

**************

(Source of Stonehenge diagram)

Revolutionary Way To Post An INTERACTIVE Resume Online

You need every edge in this difficult economy, and first impressions are everything. I discovered this revolutionary way of connecting with employers while I was setting up my wordpress blog two years ago.  This will guarantee prospective employers the most comprehensive introduction to your qualifications, when compared to your competition’s antiquated plain-text resumes.

Step One: Title one of your wordpress pages “Interactive Resume” and paste in your resume, with proper formatting and a picture. Now here’s the fun part…

Step Two: This is your chance to showcase your proudest achievements by using the “link” function, so your readers can click through to everything from pictures of your school and work projects, your previous employer’s website, your blog, samples of articles you’ve written, pictures and write-ups from volunteer work, all the way to… (the possibilities are endless).

Step Three: Link to your new interactive resume whenever you apply online (ie: Workopolis, Monster, Mediajobsearchcanada). Remember to write strategic blog posts to draw wordpress readers from your field, because you never know who will bring you your next big opportunity. 

It’s time to start aggressively exploring how we can use the internet to give us an edge in our “real” lives. You’re welcome to use this interactive resume technique in your next job search. So go ahead, get creative! Good luck!

How to make fantastically unique birthday cards

Start with this inspiration...

Start by finding an image off the net that makes you think about that special someone. Print the image onto the lower left corner of a piece of cardstock, don’t forget to add a caption on the right. I used “the magic is what you dream outside the picture”, but you can try “beyond the borders”, “outside the box” or your own variation. Fold and cut the card, then begin to extend the picture with pencil crayons. Let your creativity run wild as you get further away from the photo. Have fun!

…print it on cardstock and add a smidgen of text plus pencil crayon magic to create your own “outside the box” Birthday card

(flower photo source)

How to choose “the right” profile picture…

Something has been bothering me for months now, ever since I uploaded the ‘friendly’ and ‘engaging’ photo to your left. I thought I was above these sorts of superficialities, but, as it turns out, I’m not. You see, I was so sure “it” wouldn’t bother me. Because, you see, I was so determined not to put up one of those can’t-you-see-i’m-so-hot handheld, over-exposed digital pouts. You know the kind, with one hand suspiciously out of frame, the other resting saucily on a hip, the image dredged up from the wasteland of your camera’s overflow. How many batteries are wasted for even one Myspace-styled glamour shot?

And yes, even I must confess, I took this pic myself (by making very creative use of my bathroom mirror). What makes a great profile shot? Personality. I want my readers to want to come and hang out with that smiling blond woman in the sidebar. Come on, how can you resist? She’s looking right at you, hair all n.i.c.e., smiling engagingly (maybe even a bit cheekily), well articulated intellect sparkling in those baby blues, and all the while making sure you see that quaint little wedding ring on her finger. Ya sure, the perfect pic for what I’m going for. Except for one thing. One huge thing.

So here it is blogosphere, I can’t keep “it” in any longer…

My nose is not that big! It is in no way, shape, or form, bulbous!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And thank you for tolerating this rather narcissistic post. So… how do you add a profile pic with real personality, but don’t want to compromise on the snoz?  Use an action shot! (See below)

So this is great…this post just graduated from “rather” to “completey” narcissistic. And my punishment? Having to stare at this new set of giant-bodybuilder-neck photos. Sigh. At least the nose is better. lol

How to make a man’s jaw drop (and it’s not what you think)

So… I was walking home from work yesterday, minding my own business, when these two fellows came up and asked “can we get your opinion”? This is never a good thing, especially when one of them is wearing a suit and holding a clipboard, and the other one’s smile is just a little too wide. Keep in mind I was wearing a dirty baseball cap, rolled up hideous grey pants, a purple pyjama shirt, and a fluorescent orange makeshift backpack that I got as swag from a Geophysics convention (my job has some serious perks!). Glamazon, not so much. So I knew they had to be selling something and, be it a different faith or front row football tickets, I was just not interested.

“A new girl’s spa is opening up!” exclaimed the suited guy, waving a book of coupons at me (and ya, he really did say “girl’s”). Then the one behind him spoke up. All I heard was something about “free golf”. Oh, those two magic words were enough to stop me in my tracks. I could have been in the middle of an intersection or running with the Bulls in Spain, and I still would have stopped dead and put on my most charming smile.

“Free golf?” I asked excitedly, with raised eyebrows.

They both looked confused. “Nope, SPA,” said the suit.

“No thanks,” I said, “but now, if you were talking about free golf then that would be a totally different thing!”

The suit couldn’t quite get his tiny overly gelled head around the idea. The other fellow, a red haired scrawny twenty something, was just staring. His eyes went wide. His jaw slowly fell. It was shock; it was awe. It was fabulous! He kept repeating the word “golf” as if it was the first time he’d heard it come out of a girl (even if it was a girl with the ugliest pants ever brought into existence) – a fantastical fantasy come true. Could it be that “girl” and “golf” could be combined into one perfect-purple-pajama-shirted” package? I could see his brain trying to put it all together.

I tell you, it’s moments like that, that make those three puts on 18 and all those agonizing push slices worth it. I turned away feeling like I’d expanded the poor boy’s view of women, of maybe the whole world! But should the feminist agenda ever be put before a facial? I didn’t even check the deals! And if anyone needs to save on a massage, it would be us golfers! lol

How to get married with plenty of figurative, but no literal, electricity

Five years ago today, I was dressing for my wedding by candlelight. Our planned elopement to Niagara Falls coincided with the largest blackout in North American history. I had designed my hand sewn wedding dress (my sewing machine had been on the fritz too) with our train trip in mind. It was a knee length strapless sheath made of white eyelet, with a little stretch for comfort and a thin pink ribbon tied in a delicate bow at the waist. We’d matched George’s tie to the ribbon and, before he gobbed jam on it halfway through the trip lol, we were the perfect pastel couple.

We were married late that night, after having to reschedule from a payphone deep underground in the madhouse of a Toronto train station. The Eastern seaboard had come to a halt, but we would not be dissuaded. People got married before electricity, didn’t they? Our Reverend took us out to pick up pizza after the ceremony (we both teared up as we clasped hands and promised forever) and then to watch the fireworks over the blacked-out falls. I remember the wind catching my veil and blowing it around us as we looked out over the dark water. The fireworks blazed on, despite the disaster. We’ve never cared that we missed seeing a wonder of the world that night, because we’ve spent the last five years building our own : )

How to make sure no one steals your office supplies

Post this delightful family portrait where your office keeps its supplies, and your coworkers will be far less likely to make off with the staplers. Plus, you’ll have a visual lineup to back you up when you catch them hording the tape dispensers.

“Google image” search (top left in blue on google main page) your supplies. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can find near-exact representations. Copy/paste these into Word, or use this template of the sign above.

“Awww cute,” they’ll say, till the sign helps you nab your boss for kidnapping one of the twins *wink.

Hot Topic: Writing Freelance Query Letters

What’s the secret to writing for magazines, journals, and newspapers? A well written query letter! A query is a one page proposal of your article idea, sent to the appropriate editor of the publication you are targeting. Most queries are sent through email (unless otherwise specified by the publication) and are written according to a specific formula. It is important to do your research before hitting “send”. Read a few back copies of your target publication to get a feel for the style and subject matter (and word counts!). Make sure your idea would be of interest to the readership (tip: pay attention to the advertisements to get clues as to who’s buying the publication). Pay extra attention to your spelling/grammar/punctuation. The editor will be judging the quality of your writing based on the query (you can also send a file attachment with relevant samples of your writing). The exact layout of the formula is flexible, but make sure you keep all points in mind as you write your query. Remember, you’re not just selling your idea, you’re selling yourself as the right person to write it!  

Query formula: 

First grab the editor with a snappy first sentence, then answer the following questions: 

1- Uniqueness: What is different, enticing, and new about your idea? 

2- Timeliness: What makes your idea current, trendy, newsworthy? 

3- Slant: What is your interesting angle on the story? 

4- Suitability for publication: what is the appeal to the readership? Why this mag/paper? What is the format (profile, how-to, personal essay) and word count you are proposing? 

5- Qualifications: What qualifies you to write the piece (special connections, personal experiences)? This is where you list where you’ve been published before. If you’ve never been published, focus on how your experience makes you the one person who can write this piece and include sample writings as an attachment for the editor to review.  

Your query letter should be able to answer all the following questions:

Why is the subject special?

Why should it be reported now?

How do I view it?

Why should this mag/paper cover it?

Why should I be assigned the article? 

I would definitely recommend reading up on freelance writing, just to get more of a feel for the business and what editors are looking for. 

Good luck!!

Sample

Dear Mr. John Doe,

We Ottawa golfers are easy to spot during these last few weeks of winter. Whether in elevators, business meetings, or hibernating in the simulators at Golf Town, we all have the same tortured, desperate look. Our eyes are glassy, our bodies limp. Even the collars of our Arnold Palmer polos droop.

 

What can be done to alleviate these symptoms?

Golf-O-Max is certainly one option, or you can go to Golf Town or Chuck Brown and get your swing analyzed. You can even buy your own launch monitor to hook up to your computer, and there’s always Tiger Woods 2007 for your video game system.

Still listless and withdrawn?

I put my industrial design background to work when lack of golf began threatening my marriage. My husband missed the risk, the danger factor, of real time golf. For those who cringe at the thought of a mulligan button, let me introduce you to do-it-yourself training aids. There’s the home made weighted club, engineered with pennies and plastic tubing, or the “Inside Approach” made entirely out of wrapping paper tubes. And, if you’re willing to put it all on the line for the game you love, there’s the fully functional apartment kitchen driving range. Who cares if the side effects can (and do!) include broken windows, a doorframe resembling the aftermath of a rabid beaver attack, and floor and ceiling divots no amount of seed mix can fix!

I propose a approx. 800word article that outlines ways Ottawa golfers can get their fix in March. I will include locations, pricing, and services for the “soft” solutions proposed in paragraph two, as well as instructions for brave do-it-yourselfers. The article will be humorous, but informative, and full of hilarious anecdotes from my near eviction.

I am an Ottawa freelance writer who has no shame taking her golf clubs on the bus, not just to Pineview, but all the way to Myrtle Beach! I have already written for the Citizen’s Style Weekly and am looking to share my golf expertise with your Sports readers.

Very Best Wishes,

Cymbria Wood