TOP FIVE – What NOT to do when golfing with a woman!

She will lose her mind (and not in that good way) if you pull any of these shady/condescending moves on the course. How do I know? Find out what happened when this experienced golfer was hit with ALL FIVE (in chronological order) during last Saturday’s round!

1# Don't try to stop my ball with your foot!

Don’t… try and stop my ball with your foot. This is, without a doubt, the most humiliating cruelty one golfer can inflict on another. Never mind sexist, this is downright inhuman! Go ahead and help your two year old fit her straw in her juicebox, be my guest. But pleeeease give my hand/eye coordination a little more credit. After all, I did manage, miraculously, to tie these laces all by myself. Even if my ball is supersonically blasting its way across the green, straight for a bunker, DO NOT PUT YOUR TOE IN ITS WAY. I will bite it off (you think I’m kidding, don’t you).

2# Don't coach me (in any way shape or form)!

Don’t say… “Don’t forget your club,” as I’m walking towards the wedge I left on the green while putting out. Trust me, even your two year old would get pissed at you for that one. If you do happen to have some useful advice for me, even swing tips, just ask permission first. You know, like when you’re on that first…(oops I mean third) date~wink.

3# Don't ask me, "are you having fun yet?"

Don’t ask… “Are you having fun yet?” after I’ve just made a mess of a hole. You know what? Don’t even say it after I’ve had a magical, afterlife-illuminating, hole. Just keep your mouth shut. I’m golfing. What business is it of anyone’s whether I’m having any fun at it! I’m here, aren’t I? What more can the bloody game want from me!

4# Don't try to make the game easier for/on me!

Don’t say… “You can move it out of there…” when I have a challenging lie. If I wanted to be mini-putting on Astroturf, then (and this will blow your mind) I would be mini-putting on Astroturf. Last time I checked, golf wasn’t supposed to be a walk in the park (oh wait, technically…). But really, maybe this is my mistake? Maybe it’s supposed to be easy? Just like getting rich is such a cinch, and having great hair every day is…sigh…

5# Don't laugh (out loud) if I flub a shot! Seriously.

Don’t… laugh (long and loud and luxuriously) when I flub my shot.

And there’s where it all went so wrong…
I played it cool all the way through till #5 (aside from a snarky “are you having fun yet” retort on hole 14), but I’m ashamed to say I lost my mind when he started laughing…and laughing…and kept on laughing at my blown bunker shot on hole 15. He went right on laughing even as I was charging at him up the lip of the trap!

I dropped my club and made straight for the brute. I didn’t care that he was a full ½ foot taller and about 100 pounds heavier; I had thousands of years of sexist injustices backing me up! Oh, and one rather shocked husband. Yes, the poor man who had gallantly kept me calm through all the condescension by explaining “he doesn’t know any better,” turned to find his tiny blond wife going all Hulk Hogan on his playing partner. I was up in the middle aged man’s “grill” shouting, “do you have some kind of problem,” when dear hubby dragged me away.

I’d like to say I’m exaggerating here (and so would dear hubby), but, and you girls can relate to me on this, it’s hard for any woman to be taken seriously on the course, no matter her skill level. We have so much more to prove, and so much less raw muscle to prove it with. It’s no wonder we can get a little sensitive when there’s blatant condescension in your voice. Just be warned, chivalry is a noble, but dangerous, game to play on a golf course.

~Visuals by brilliant illustrator Christina Nichols~

Revolutionary Way To Post An INTERACTIVE Resume Online

You need every edge in this difficult economy, and first impressions are everything. I discovered this revolutionary way of connecting with employers while I was setting up my wordpress blog two years ago.  This will guarantee prospective employers the most comprehensive introduction to your qualifications, when compared to your competition’s antiquated plain-text resumes.

Step One: Title one of your wordpress pages “Interactive Resume” and paste in your resume, with proper formatting and a picture. Now here’s the fun part…

Step Two: This is your chance to showcase your proudest achievements by using the “link” function, so your readers can click through to everything from pictures of your school and work projects, your previous employer’s website, your blog, samples of articles you’ve written, pictures and write-ups from volunteer work, all the way to… (the possibilities are endless).

Step Three: Link to your new interactive resume whenever you apply online (ie: Workopolis, Monster, Mediajobsearchcanada). Remember to write strategic blog posts to draw wordpress readers from your field, because you never know who will bring you your next big opportunity. 

It’s time to start aggressively exploring how we can use the internet to give us an edge in our “real” lives. You’re welcome to use this interactive resume technique in your next job search. So go ahead, get creative! Good luck!

Try these time saving tips for sending handwritten letters!

It’s a rare and special treat to get a handwritten letter in the mail. With our hectic lives, it’s so much faster to whip off an email, but you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to send personalized snail-mail with these simple tips:

1- Set up a “letter-box” (any mid-sized plastic/cardboard box) containing envelopes, stationary, address book, coloured pens/pencils, and Postage Stamps

2- Visit your craft store (Michaels is great) for novelty papers, stamps, punches, stickers, etc. from the scrap-booking section

3- Pre-addressing your envelopes will help motivate you to fill them ; )

4- Decorating the fronts of your envelopes with stickers or simple drawings is a quick way to make your letter extra special

5- Get your kids/friends involved by having a “letter-off” where you share stationary and ideas while you address your envelopes and start on any letters you’d like to get sent off between get togethers. A love themed “letter-off” would be a blast! Click here for some pointers to get you started, and here for some historical samples.

Handwritten letters are a wonderful way to share stories, events, and caring. Wondering what to write about? Family gossip is always a hit, or share your most recent embarrasing/funny/heartwarming experience. How about narrating a shared event from your unique perspective. Pass on jokes, words of support and encouragement, maybe even a favorite bible verse.

It can be so much easier to communicate how much that person means to you when you can do it from the privacy of your kitchen table. Your letter doesn’t have to be long, or poetic, or even illuminating. It just has to end up in the mailbox; that’s the only criteria. And don’t let spelling be an excuse! I keep a blank Wordperfect document open on the computer so I can cheat at spellcheck ; )

I wrote an article on letter writing for the Ottawa Citizen last year, and I learned (from my interviews with Canadian authors and poets) just how valuble handwritten letters are to give and to recieve. And the best way to guarantee you’ll be getting one in the mail…is to start sending them!

Top 10 rules for the checkout line (+bonus!)

Dear customer,

This is a letter straight from the trenches, from a poor cashier who spent years chained to a register. Despite the fundamental flaw in our relationship – I want your money and you don’t want to give it to me – I propose a truce. You and I have an amazing opportunity to improve each other’s day! To guarantee smiles on both sides of the counter, just remember to take these ten rules with you the next time you go shopping.

1-Please be PATIENT. The scanner will only read one barcode at a time and the computer will only take one keystroke at a time. Remember this: the cashier hates that you have to wait even more than you do. We know what waiting does to people, and those are the nightmares that wake us up in the middle of the night!

If you do find yourself in a line:
-get your money ready
-group your items and expose their bar-codes
-do not under any circumstances make any kind of repetitive noise (tapping, clicking, gnashing of teeth, etc.)

Note: The speed of the line should in no way be taken a function of the cashier’s competence or intelligence. Even geniuses have to pay rent! Grab a magazine, grab a breath, grab a pack of gum, and deal with it.

2-When you bring me a product with no barcode and no identifying marks whatsoever, there will be an inevitable delay. No, I do not know the code for 26″ by 45″ alabaster mini blinds off the top of my head. If I did, both you and I should be very worried.

Note:Telling me the price is not a substitute for the inventory sku code, and throwing a drawer pull in my general direction while grunting something about two dollars just isn’t going to cut it. And then when you accuse me, indignantly, of not trusting you, well, now you’ve gone and made it personal!

3-If the item has no barcode it is not free. If it has a barcode, but doesn’t scan on my first try… it is not free. Second try… nope, still not free. Third… not free. Fourth….let me check…NOT FREE!

Note: I know you thought you were being clever and funny with your “must be free then”, but so did the other 10 000 people who tried to get it for free before you. And no, despite what you may have heard, I didn’t let them get away with it either.

4-I know this news will come as a shock to many of you, but in this great country we have something called tax (pronounced taks). Deep breath, let this new information sink in. Now, when you get to my cash, and before you open your mouth to ask what you’re going to ask, stop, and remember the new word you’ve just learned.

5- Yes, that is the terrifying total. I know it’s an awful shock to get up to the cash with 3 items that are $2 each and hear a total of $6 (plus that crazy tax thing). Accusing me of any number of devious ways I must have manipulated my scanning to rob you will not change the total. It will only make me want to use my apparent criminal genius to plot your untimely demise.

6- “I exist.” For the 30 seconds we are part of each other’s lives, you are my whole world. Every move I make, I do it for you. When you ignore me or, worse, spend the whole time on your cell phone, you (sniffle) break my heart.

7- Only you can decide if you want the green one or the blue one. Go on, revel in your freedom and independence. Just please make up your mind before you get to my cash.

8- When it comes to change, two heads are never better than one. When I’m half way through counting out $13.86 in change, the quarter you just found in your back pocket does not help in the slightest.

9- There is no __________ (insert random word from dictionary) special discount. No, not even on Wednesdays.

10- Being in a hurry does not make you any more important than the person you’re trying to butt ahead of. Being late does not make you special. It only makes you late. This is not communism, just plain good ol’ customer service!

Most of all, please recognize the awesome power you have as a customer to change my day for the better. It certainly doesn’t take much, a smile, a joke, a “someday you’ll get out of here” bit of encouragement. I guarantee not only I, but my next customer will thank you!

Bonus- If you insist on telling me step by step how to do my job, that’s wonderful. Come on back behind the counter and I’ll give you my apron, while I get the heck out of here!

(condensed from my “Ten (+4) Rules” article in New Writing)

Subway teaches how to make quick healthy lunches with your own “Sandwich Center”

Read the resume of any writer and you’re bound to find a bunch of apron jobs muddying up his/her early career path. But there’s a silver lining to the suffering. Every once and a while this kind of glamorous job history can yield brilliant insights. Spending eleven months as a certified Subway “Sandwich Artist” left me with more than an unbridled revulsion to the smell of salami. It gave me the secret to fast delicious lunches: prepare and localize the ingredients!

The Sandwich Center
Fill one of your fridge’s crisper drawers or, if you prefer, a plastic bin with:

• Tupperware containers (or baggies) of washed shredded lettuce, sliced tomatoes, and any other of your favourite prepped veggies
• Ziplocked lunch-meats 
• Pre-sliced cheese 
• Easy squeeze condiments
• Fruit (apples/oranges/grapes etc.)
• Juice boxes
• Mini yogurts

All you do is take The Sandwich Center drawer out of the fridge and plop it down on the counter, then you’re ready to Bread-Bag-and-Go! Even my hubby started making his own healthy lunches with the oh-so-scientific implementation of The Sandwich Center. Until, of course, the novelty (and the ham) ran out. men. sigh. 

Note: I’m sure you’ve noticed the catch. Just like on those cooking shows with those handy glass bowls prefilled with chopped/minced/julienned/etc. ingredients, the veggie prep is the challenge here. I’m sure Rachael Ray and Bobby Flay have lackeys who chop up all their green peppers, but you and I are on our own. So turn on some tunes, slice up some tomatoes, and get ready for a week of easy breezy ”sandwich artistry”.

Save major time and money with this downloadable grocery list template and bonus online flyer trick!

How to save time and stress…

Is this you? You’re standing in the middle of the produce section when your brain suddenly blanks out. Did you want Yukon gold potatoes or red russets? Which ones were supposed to be on sale? Should you go for spinach or broccoli? You try a deep breath, yoga style, to center yourself. But your center’s set on vibrate, and its hungry rumblings aren’t doing a thing to clear your mind! Your’re stuck staring helplessly at the string of empty veggie bags coiled in the bottom of your cart. And you haven’t even hit the cereal aisle yet!

I’ve always loathed grocery shopping. It’s stressful, time consuming, and expensive. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been overwhelmed by the endless choices (and sensory overload!) of today’s giant stores. After one too many times finding myself standing paralyzed with a bunch of carrots in my hand, I finally decided to do something it.

I applied my training in the design process and creative problem solving to come up with the template you see above. You can download the .doc file below. The list is divided into food categories that jive with most grocery store layouts. Note: the “flavour” section is meant for condiments (I’m always poetic when honey mustard’s involved : )

Click here to download Cymbria’s Grocery List Template

You can use your *Meal Map (*This meal planning system will be featured in an upcoming post) to help you fill in the list, or simply write down your most common cooking ingredients and family favourites. 

How to save money…

I saved $45 at the checkout the last time I used this trick! Most grocery stores chains now post their weekly specials flyer online. They will usually let you print off a list of the sale items that interest you. Print off this list (or work of the flyer screen) and design your week’s Meal Map around the best deals. If you’re “winging it” instead, write these sale items on your grocery list template before you fill in the rest. With the sale items on the page in front of you, your brain will subconsciously build the remainder of the list around these foods. This trick is also handy for strategizing when to stock up on household items. I guarantee you’ll be as surprised as I was with how much you’ll save!

Follow these handy links to your grocery store’s weekly specials: 
Sobeys            
Loeb             
Safeway                   
Loblaws

Don’t see yours? Links to other Canadian grocery stores can be found at Smartflyercanada.com. If you still aren’t finding it, try this page, and If you’re looking for links to American stores click here.

Applying the scientific method to marriage reveals a terrifying secret

Let’s look at this whole marriage thing logically. Go on, take a deep breath and dive in; it’s about time someone at least gives it a shot.

Purpose: To measure and define the ratio of one marriage partner’s “right” proposed solutions to those of the other partner

Hypothesis: “I am always right” (come on, do we even need to test this!)

Method:
Step 1) Take two people with varied life experience who (ideally) respect each others intelligence and problem solving skills equally

Step 2) Place said two people in an endless variety of real-time challenges and social puzzles

Step 3) Test pros and cons of partners proposed solutions to determinine “rightness”

Conclusion: The “logical” assumption is that each partner will propose the best solution for the couple in 50% of the cases. Therefore, the “right” ratio can be defined as 50:50.

Application:The horror! There must be a flaw in my calculations. My husband couldn’t possibly have that kind of an edge! But him being right half the time would be an easy price to pay for him admitting he’s wrong the other 50% lol

Gladiator sandal trend could have shortened Iraq war

Ah yes, my ears are still ringing with the roar of the arena. Russell Crowe, circa 2000 AD, muscles bulging under sweat oiled brown skin, soaks the hot sand of the Colosseum with the blood of his enemies. Sure, we all wanted a piece of him (oops, I mean of the action), but was anyone really thinking “ooooo I’d love a pair of those sandals. What delightful footwear, so stylish and eminently practical.”? While it’s true that the gladiator sandal is the go-to shoe when it comes to protecting your shins from those pesky 5th Avenue gladius weilding dog walkers, Mondrian themed tan lines are not the best way to accessorise your vintage Yves Saint Laurent.

The gladiator sandal trend has followed the classic pattern. Just like when learning a brand new word, the trend always looks awkward and ungainly the first few times you see it in action. But then it slowly worms its way into your vocabulary, and before you know it, you start seeing sentences (and short black jersey dresses) that just wouldn’t look right with anything else. 

For those of us in the “know”, the gladiator has already begun to look (how do I put this?) “un peut passé”. It’s time to move on to other synonyms. It’s time to get in tight with its relatives. It’s time to stop messing around with these metaphors and get down to business.

So then what do we put on our feet? You can go with a more subtle version of the trend, or my favorite alternative: flat (or slight wedge) heel, and a non-superfluous system of dark leather straps featuring a bronze embellished T-strap and a single ankle strap (set low on the ankle to visually maximize leg length). I’d link to a pair, but I’m still hunting for them ; )  

The best part of the gladiator trend is its irony. Thousands of New York (and millions of american)fashionistas have wholeheartedly embraced a trend with decidedly middle eastern roots. The saying “to understand someone, walk a mile in their shoes” has never been more apropo. But it’s too late for the one pair of feet that really matter. If Hillary was still in the race, America might have a chance. Cultural understanding starts from the ground up (heehee possibly literally in this case). But something tells me Barack wouldn’t be too gung-ho about strapping his calves into these puppies. Someone should remind him, or Mccain (if that’s how it pans out), that the greatest warriors in history were, like, so, all over the gladiator trend in their day. The Coloseum’s arena was oval wasn’t it *wink*

(comic source: fashionista.com)

Hot Topic: Writing Freelance Query Letters

What’s the secret to writing for magazines, journals, and newspapers? A well written query letter! A query is a one page proposal of your article idea, sent to the appropriate editor of the publication you are targeting. Most queries are sent through email (unless otherwise specified by the publication) and are written according to a specific formula. It is important to do your research before hitting “send”. Read a few back copies of your target publication to get a feel for the style and subject matter (and word counts!). Make sure your idea would be of interest to the readership (tip: pay attention to the advertisements to get clues as to who’s buying the publication). Pay extra attention to your spelling/grammar/punctuation. The editor will be judging the quality of your writing based on the query (you can also send a file attachment with relevant samples of your writing). The exact layout of the formula is flexible, but make sure you keep all points in mind as you write your query. Remember, you’re not just selling your idea, you’re selling yourself as the right person to write it!  

Query formula: 

First grab the editor with a snappy first sentence, then answer the following questions: 

1- Uniqueness: What is different, enticing, and new about your idea? 

2- Timeliness: What makes your idea current, trendy, newsworthy? 

3- Slant: What is your interesting angle on the story? 

4- Suitability for publication: what is the appeal to the readership? Why this mag/paper? What is the format (profile, how-to, personal essay) and word count you are proposing? 

5- Qualifications: What qualifies you to write the piece (special connections, personal experiences)? This is where you list where you’ve been published before. If you’ve never been published, focus on how your experience makes you the one person who can write this piece and include sample writings as an attachment for the editor to review.  

Your query letter should be able to answer all the following questions:

Why is the subject special?

Why should it be reported now?

How do I view it?

Why should this mag/paper cover it?

Why should I be assigned the article? 

I would definitely recommend reading up on freelance writing, just to get more of a feel for the business and what editors are looking for. 

Good luck!!

Sample

Dear Mr. John Doe,

We Ottawa golfers are easy to spot during these last few weeks of winter. Whether in elevators, business meetings, or hibernating in the simulators at Golf Town, we all have the same tortured, desperate look. Our eyes are glassy, our bodies limp. Even the collars of our Arnold Palmer polos droop.

 

What can be done to alleviate these symptoms?

Golf-O-Max is certainly one option, or you can go to Golf Town or Chuck Brown and get your swing analyzed. You can even buy your own launch monitor to hook up to your computer, and there’s always Tiger Woods 2007 for your video game system.

Still listless and withdrawn?

I put my industrial design background to work when lack of golf began threatening my marriage. My husband missed the risk, the danger factor, of real time golf. For those who cringe at the thought of a mulligan button, let me introduce you to do-it-yourself training aids. There’s the home made weighted club, engineered with pennies and plastic tubing, or the “Inside Approach” made entirely out of wrapping paper tubes. And, if you’re willing to put it all on the line for the game you love, there’s the fully functional apartment kitchen driving range. Who cares if the side effects can (and do!) include broken windows, a doorframe resembling the aftermath of a rabid beaver attack, and floor and ceiling divots no amount of seed mix can fix!

I propose a approx. 800word article that outlines ways Ottawa golfers can get their fix in March. I will include locations, pricing, and services for the “soft” solutions proposed in paragraph two, as well as instructions for brave do-it-yourselfers. The article will be humorous, but informative, and full of hilarious anecdotes from my near eviction.

I am an Ottawa freelance writer who has no shame taking her golf clubs on the bus, not just to Pineview, but all the way to Myrtle Beach! I have already written for the Citizen’s Style Weekly and am looking to share my golf expertise with your Sports readers.

Very Best Wishes,

Cymbria Wood